I want to say that I’ve been “too busy” but that should never be the case. I should never be too busy for you. You’re 19 months now and you’re at a point where you’re starting to test my limits. You’re pretty good at it, too, but watching you try really hard to reach the package of Oreos on top of the dining table or put together an entire peg puzzle and clap to yourself is all so worth it. You are learning new things every day and it’s so funny watching you feel proud about yourself and what you can do.
I’m sorry for the times when I’ve lost it. I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight. I was tired, trying to do the dishes, and trying to parent at the same time. I’m sorry I get frustrated sometimes. I often forget that you’re barely even 2 and just trying to figure out how everything in this world works. I’m sorry for the multiple times where I’ve had to say “not right now, buddy.” I’m sorry for turning you down a couple of times when you brought your shoes over to me and pulled on my leg, signaling to go outside, because I was working and had deadlines to meet.
I’m slowly trying to build my patience more– something both you and I could benefit from. I am also getting better at picking my battles and choosing what’s worth my time and effort. You absolutely deserve my undivided attention and you will only be little for so long. I’ve recently learned the art of “screw it,” where I immediately unplug myself and put all my work on the back burner. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I hope you do. It’s all for you. I can get over the regret of screwing my work up but missing out on creating memories with you just because I was “too busy” or “too tired” might not be something I can forgive myself for.
I think now I know why I’m starting to avoid writing to you. It’s because I always end up in tears– not of sadness, but out of love, guilt, emotions, regrets, and happiness.
I love you forever.